Friday, September 20, 2013

Am I ruining my kids?

After reading this article that a friend posted on Facebook I started examining the type of parent I am. After having Olivia two and a half years ago my anxiety has sky rocketed. I find myself saying poor John he's not allowed to do this or that. Am I stunting his growth as a young boy? Am I sheltering him too much?  He's going to be 9 on October 3rd and is in the third grade. By his age I was walking home several blocks from school by myself. Playing outside all day with barely checking in. Finding adventures all over my neighborhood. I feel like John isn't "allowed" to do anything on his own. I walk him to the bus stop which is not even a full block away from our house (but the view is obstructed by another house). He can't just ride his bike or scooter up and down the street out front of our house without one of us standing out there. The only small concession he has gotten from me this year is that he can walk home from said bus stop but I wait on the back porch watch the school bus go by and know that less than a half of minute later I can see him walking up the street. I feel like it is safer for him to walk home alone because the bus drops them off on our side and he doesn't have to cross the street. This morning he asked me "Mom can I just walk myself please this morning?" I said "okay John I will walk you and see you get to the corner with the other kids then leave okay". Well of course we walk down and the other three kids that are normally at the stop aren't there yet. Right away I say you can stand here yourself but I'll walk back to the house very slowly until I see more kids get here. I walk as far as I can with still seeing him and just stand there while the other kids show up and the bus comes.  And I wave to him from the corner and see him happily sitting in his seat.

And now all morning I'm feeling anxious. Still. Why? I have no idea... my child is safely sitting in his seat at school. And I feel like shit. Pardon my language but yes sometimes I curse, and sometimes I just like to curse. Since the school year has started and fall as fallen upon us I have been feeling more and more like shit. Olivia and I have been home alone during the day and I over examine every decision I make with her. She's not interested in potty training, she doesn't know how to count passed three, she's only knows one color (which is the only color she wants to know, pink). The job of parenting never felt so hard. I always felt like a natural mother after I had John, this time around with having two kids now I feel like I'm dropping the ball. I never understood the troubles of a stay at home mom. I always envied them when I went back to work after I had John. I thought it was so nice to have all day to bond and have your house spotless and take your kids everywhere. But I never realized just how hard it is. It can be isolating at times even if your busy. Some days you really just need to stay in your house and veg out with your toddler forget about the vacuuming. She doesn't want to be run all over the place your errands need to be done at that day.  The idea of story time sounds so cute but once your there you realize she isn't going to sit through the reading of one even very short book. As I write this Olivia is watching tv on my phone. It kinda makes me feel like crap. But at the same time it's nice to have 5 seconds to get my brain in order and she ain't complaining! I know this post is kind of scattered but that's exactly what my brain feels like right now..Swiss cheese aka mom brain. Well my 5 seconds is up, Olivia needs my attention. Hopefully if your feeling like shit sitting in your own house right now this made you feel like your not alone. Hey maybe we can set up a play date but I can't promise my house will be cleaned up when you get here and I will probably not be able to provide you and your kids with even one healthy snack. By this time in the week all that is left is in my junky snack cabinet.

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